To all my “Grown Folk” readers, welcome back and thank you for stopping by. This post is unfortunately not my own. This wonderful piece was written by a dear friend of mines, I call him The Wise One. He asked me to post this as a mens point of view concerning this situation. Has this happened to you? Rather the answer be No or Yes, Please sit down, have a sip of coffee and enjoy this as much as I have.
The Wise One Says…
It’s been three months since you and the new cutie you met have been kicking it. From the moment you met, you let her know from jump that you were not ready to be in a relationship. However, you were open to becoming friends with benefits. She said she was with it. You thought you had a nice little thing going, until she started beefing about… Who you’re with? Why can’t she spend the night at your house? Why don’t you ever take her any where? And who the hell keeps texting you at 3:00am?
You are dumbfounded. You don’t understand why she’s tripping. You thought you had the perfect little set up. From day one you made your position clear…You were not ready to be tied down. So what’s the problem? I’ll tell you: You allowed yourself to get caught in a loophole because more often than not a no strings attached arrangement comes with more loopholes than you bargained for. That loophole is called…catching feelings.
Just as I say in my writing for women: You must always remember that all relationships are like silent contracts, even the purely physical ones. This is why it is so important that you pay more attention to a woman’s behavior than you do her words. This way you will know what you are signing on to before you seal the deal.
Even if you tell a woman from the get go that you want to keep things light, pay attention to her behavior, because behavior never lies. Her behavior will tell you if she’s really ok with being your booty call buddy or if she’s holding on hoping for something more. Her behavior will tell you where she is emotionally with you. Is she treating the situation lightly or is she treating you like her man? If it’s the later, then she is not taking the arrangement as casually as you are and it would serve you well to remind her of your initial agreement or back up altogether and break things off before she gets too deeply involved and too badly hurt.
Spiritually speaking, we were not designed to seperate our physical unions from our emotional ones. That’s why we get ourselves into trouble when we treat sex like just another casual activity.
So it just makes sense if you want to avoid having your phone blown up, your tires slashed or worse, to remind the woman who you’re just not that into… that you are not ready for a serious relationship. If you don’t you are setting yourself up for DRAMA, DRAMA and MORE DRAMA. It’s better to remind her where she stands with you and spare her the longterm heartache, then to sell her a pipe dream to keep the sex coming and pay for it on the back end.
Here’s an inside scoop, which I’m sure many of you had to find out the hard way: It’s difficult for the average woman to separate her emotions from sex. Even more, if the sex is extremely intense, to her, it feels like intimacy, while for most men sex… even mind blowing sex… is simply good sex.
So if you want to save yourself a lot of grief, pay attention to a woman’s behavior. If she is treating you like you’re a priority chances are you are, even if she is not a priority for you. If she is bending over backwards to accommodate you, you best believe that she wants more from you than a regularly scheduled booty call with a deadline. So if you have no intention of becoming her leading man, don’t accept the leading man treatment. In the longrun, it will save you a whole lot of grief and drama.
The Wise One
Good post.
I feel that there’s never anything beneficial from a friend that has ‘benefits.’ There’s always some sort of attachment. Human beings are naturally competitive so of course you wanna know who is the OTHER person no matter if you’re just having sex. It’s always about the “I factor” and what is he/she doing that I seemed to be doing oh so well that got you call caught up in he/she and not ME. As human beings we also need nurture lol which means there’s always a spot for new ish and that goes for the male or female. There’s always the ‘emergency dick in the glass’ (C) Hov. LOL-holla! Good stuff though Mr. Wise One.
Thanks for stopping by Gurly!!!
My Twitter fam is the coolest!!!
Big Hugs Chica
should always be no strings attached for adults, folk are not slaves, no strings unless married or engaged
Great point Rawdawg!!!
When I first met let’s call him 6 year, He told me the same thing. He didn’t want anything serious and for me not to catch feelings. Well like I said I been with him 6 years. His actions were so much greater than what a booty call/ friends with benefits should have been. After 3 years of on and off again moods, he told me he loved me. We became an item and then BOOM, he started that crap again. Sometimes I felt I lost 6 years of my life with a man, who was confused as hell.. So now I am gradually distancing myself from this man.
WOW!
Now that’s the downfall of it all.
You start out one way & it takes a major
turn for the worse!!!
The only way to be in a successful relationship with a man is to think like a man. For every one man who is honest and upfront about wanting a casual relationship, there are ten more who will tell you that he is looking for a wife but will still treat you like an every once in a while thing. We won’t even start to discuss the men who are married, gay, in prison, or otherwise in an existing relationship. That shrinks the dating, marrying and yes, booty-call pool to almost nothing for single females.
Now, having said this, it is now time for women to take responsibility for the way they allow a man to treat them. Watch his actions and make a determination on if he is living up to his word. If you don’t want to accept his terms then don’t, walk away. Stop accepting mediocrity and instead learn to be by yourself until you meet someone who can live up to reasonable expectations.
Remember, a man can only treat you in a way in which you allow. Stop calling up your girlfriends telling them how badly he treats you and about the drama you are putting up with in order to be with this man. Instead, be a positive influence and shout to the world how you dropped this loser. Always do what is right for you and remember; sometimes that man is just not into you. But it’s o.k., move on.
Well didn’t you tell it like it is with this comment!!!
Love it! Thanks so much for stopping by
this is so interesting. everybody loves the “unconditional love” concept, but application is a whole nuther thang!!!!!!
I want you and you want me. ok cool. Now, here is what has to happen for that to happen. This is bargaining not relationship building.
Did I say build. Put some value to the meeting/interactions. Share some real truths.
No instant gratification agenda. No , I am really lying, and if you go for the liie, cool, not my problemo. No let you make up for the last person to enter/leave my life. No, pretending I really do not want anything from this union, what will be will be hype.
Here is the real truth about every relationship on this planet. The ONLY person you can REALLY Control is YOU!!!!! Yes, YOU!!!! Did I say CONTROL!!!!
Yes, control. Have the power to “make” someone do something!!!
People spend lifetimes attempting to CONTROL others. From adults to kids, from acquintance to friends, from employees to service providers. you pick the relationship.
The minute someone exerts or attempts CONTROL , game over.
Now, actions and reaction will be based on what the other person does.
You are not doing what I want you do , take this, take that!!!!
What a grand waste of valuable time. I can feel the saying ” YOU DO YOU AND I WILL DO ME!!!!”. People who accept that the only person they can TRULY CONTROL is SELF, LIVE healthy liives.
Plays well with others, Get more things done, Have less stress, on the list goes on.
Others suffer.
Come up with a lot of psycho babble about the true meaning of relationships and when all else fail , throws JESUS in the mix, and hide behind some personal benefit scripture
( usually a oneliner or two from a verse pulled from a chapter).
Here what makes that so ironic. Jesus Did NOT try to control anyone!!!!!!
Aint that sumthin!!!!! He got the job done by leading by example.
Those who choose to follow, cool, those who did not, cool.
So if you truly desire to have a healthy relationship, do not even attempt to CONTROL ANOTHER emotions, truths, reactions, actions, interpretation, money, relationships, etc.
No conditionals.
If you do this then I do that. If you reallly cared you would……..
You MUST NOT care for you did not……………………….
You had to know what I meant cuz……………………….
Want to find how real truth works? What to be involved in a real relationship????
Try NO CONTROL ANOTHER on for size.
For those who think this writing is just simpliistic ramblings.
TRY NOT TO CONTROL ANOTHER FOR 30 DAYS AND GET BACK AT ME!!!
Oh yes, for those who have not done this, it will be one of the greatest challenges of your life. For those who are putting this to use everyday, you will grow another 30 days of real relationship strength. Do this enough time and pretty soon it becomes a way of life and not a challenge to be accomplished.
I am out!!!!
Oooooh I love this reply!!!
Thank U…we hear you loud
and clear!!! LOL!
~ Katrina